


Size, Lies, and Rolled Eyes: The Great Christmas Tree Debacle

by Cassiopeias_Sky



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Bucky x Reader, Christmas, Christmas Tree, Christmas tree shopping, F/M, Look man, Oops, Protective Bucky Barnes, douchy sales dude, from 2017, he's good now, it won't end well, look - Freeform, more or less recovered bucky barnes, so just don't try, tumblr christmas challenge, with a little man complex, you're never gonna be able to compete with bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 09:04:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16889613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cassiopeias_Sky/pseuds/Cassiopeias_Sky
Summary: You and Bucky get into a very important Christmas tree debate which is then interrupted by an over confident guy that thinks he's gonna get Bucky's girl.  Innuendos and cheesy double entendres ensue.





	Size, Lies, and Rolled Eyes: The Great Christmas Tree Debacle

**Author's Note:**

> This was my entry for Sam’s Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree Writing Challenge 2017 (Tumblr) - my prompt was “This tree is way too small.” “Size doesn’t matter.” “Oh, size matters.” The prompt is bolded in the story.
> 
> It's safe to say that I had a lot of fun writing this. I hope you all enjoy it!

You take in the clear, almost sharp blue sky as you inhale the cold air that makes your lungs prickle; it’s the perfect day to visit the tree farm.  Christmas music mingles in the air with the scent of the pine trees surrounding you - ooh, and there’s a hint of smoke from the campfire that is the site of mass marshmallow casualties as kids and their equally excited parents do their best to make s’mores with mittened fingers.  A smile crosses your face as you take in the cheery surroundings and the families searching for the perfect Christmas tree; you absolutely _live_ for this season. 

“What about this one?” Your boyfriend’s excited voice captures your attention and you turn to look where he’s pointing. 

You cock your head to the side as you appraise the tree Bucky suggested.  “No, Buck, I don’t think so.”  You give yourself bonus points for the rather diplomatic answer considering he knows damn well that this tree doesn’t meet your strict criteria. 

“But why?  He’s cute, kinda like Charlie Brown’s tree.”

Your eyebrows shoot up to your hairline.  “He?”

“Oh yeah, I named him,” Bucky confirms with a nod.

If you’d thought your eyebrows couldn’t get any higher, you’d be wrong.  “You named a tree?”

“Not just any tree,” Bucky smiles proudly.  “I named our Christmas tree. His name is Harold.” 

“Harold,” you deadpan. 

Bucky nods excitedly as he gently picks some dead needles from a branch.  “He just needs some love.  This tree could be perfect!”

You blink at your boyfriend, somewhat confused because he actually sounds serious.  “Okay, have you met me?  This isn’t our first Christmas together - you know that tree won’t work.” You really aren’t trying to sit on his bubble, but this tree is less than half the size of what the two of you had agreed on.  In fact, Bucky loves tall Christmas trees, so what gives?

He sighs, and it sounds a lot like grudging defeat.  “Yeah, I do know, I just, I dunno, I kinda feel sorry for him.  Just because he’s ugly doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to be wanted.”

“See?  You just admitted it was ugly.”

“Well…yeah…in an ‘it’s so ugly it’s cute’ kinda way…”

You cock an unimpressed eyebrow as you cross your arms.  “You’re stretching, Barnes.”

He licks his lips before changing strategies.  “Babe.”

You roll your eyes at his not entirely unsuccessful attempt to be adorable.

“No, hear me out Babe,” he beseeches as he uncrosses your arms to take both your hands into his.

You can’t help the smile that creeps over your face at the sight of his puppy eyes.  “Okay, fine.  I’m listening.”  If he really wants this tree, maybe you can make it work.  Maybe. 

“I was this tree,” Bucky begins, completely serious.

“What?”

“I was this tree.  I was lonely, and sad, and ugly,”

“Oh my God, Bucky, you’ve never been ugly a day in your life!”

He opens his mouth as if to object, but then closes it again before conceding your point.  “Okay fine, but I was lonely and sad.”  He suddenly turns up the charm by 200% as he hooks a stray strand of hair behind your ear.  “But then you came into my life and showed me what love is, and your unconditional love and affection is what turned me into this irresistible arm candy you have today. We could do the same for Harold.”

You laugh as you put your arms around his waist, tugging him in for a kiss.  “I do love you.”

“And I love you,” he presses his lips to yours again, almost verging on indecent considering you’re in a family place.

“And you are irresistible,” you admit between smooches. 

“I try,” he whispers as he raises his hands to cup your face, pulling out one of his best moves in the effort to persuade you. 

“We’re still not getting this tree,” you murmur sweetly as the kiss finally breaks.  

“But why??”  The whine is starkly at odds with his hulking physique and it’s all you can do to hold in your giggle. 

“Bucky, my love, my heart,” his bright eyes soften at the way you so tenderly address him even in the middle of a very important Christmas tree debate, “No matter how much we love it, love him – Harold -  he’s not gonna grow!  I mean, sure, decorations will make him look fuller, but he’s seriously only four and a half feet tall.  And that’s being generous!  That’s not a Christmas tree, Buck, that’s a tabletop decoration.  I’m sorry, but **this tree is way too small**.”

“ **Size doesn’t matter**!”  The cocky voice comes from your left, and both Bucky and you turn at the intrusion.  

“ **Oh, size matters** ,” you retort.  Who the hell is this guy, and why is he trying to weigh in on your very important tree discussion?   

“No, it doesn’t,” he immediately contradicts you as he takes a step closer, obviously checking you out as he does.  “My name’s Will, by the way,” he says proudly as he motions to his nametag, and it’s only then that you realize that he works at the tree farm.

“It’s nice to meet you, Will,” Bucky begins politely, “but I think my girlfriend and I -”

“So, a lovely lady such as yourself obviously deserves and appreciates a nice tree.  In fact, I’d be more than happy to bring you back to my apartment - it’s just above the gift shop - and show you what a nicely decorated tree can really look like, even if it has a modest stature.”

Your mouth drops open a bit at how he so rudely cut Bucky off and how obviously he’s hitting on you - does this guy not see that Bucky could snap him like a twig?  Bucky looks over to you with an amused smirk and raised eyebrows, silently asking if you want him to intervene.  You smile and almost imperceptibly shake your head. You’ve got this.

“No, Will, that won’t be necessary.  In fact, we -”

“This tree right here,” interrupting you this time, Will points to another tree to your right, “is the pinnacle of pine tree perfection.”

You give a perfunctory glance, seeing immediately that it’s too short for what you want.  “Yes, well, it’s a very nice tree, but I’m looking for something at least 10 feet tall, and from the looks of it, you don’t have what I want.”

“You don’t really want a 10-foot tree,” he scoffs. “Tall trees are so overrated.”

What the…what is this guy’s deal?  Why does he care about your preferred tree height?  You finally take a good look at the guy and it hits you. Ah, yes. Male fragility at its finest. 

“Size really doesn’t matter. It’s all in how you decorate the tree,” he declares proudly, sounding as though he just gave you the secret to the meaning of life.

Oh.  So this is how you wanna play?  Alright then, buddy, game on.  “Yeah, no.  That’s a lie that people tell trees to make them feel better about themselves.”

“I beg your pardon?” Will sounds positively offended.  “Did you ever consider that maybe it’s not the size of the tree that’s the issue, but you? Maybe you just have no idea how to properly decorate a tree.”  

You narrow your eyes before continuing, “Okay buddy, don’t pin the responsibility for this on me - I have to at least have something to work with.  While I do agree that decorating is definitely important, skill can only do so much.  Whether you like it or not, size does matter.  Too big, and it bumps into stuff it shouldn’t, gets in the way, and is just overall uncomfortable to have in the room.  Too small and you might not even notice it if you’re not paying close attention. That in particular is a real bummer.”

Bucky, who has been carefully following the conversation as he always does when someone he doesn’t trust is anywhere within your vicinity, bites his lip and ducks his head in an entirely unsuccessful attempt to hide his silent laughter.

Will sniffs in indignation. “Well, maybe your room is just too big.”

DID HE JUST.

“Are you seriously blaming my living room for your tree’s inadequacy??”  Your voice gets louder with each word, but at this point that you don’t care.  “No matter what the size of the room is, the ceiling in a standard building is still at least 7 feet up.  Even a studio apartment would want a bigger tree than this.  A goddamn Smurf would want a bigger tree!”

Will blinks at you, seemingly surprised that you’re still not buying into his load of crap, while Bucky has officially given up on being polite and is now holding his stomach as he laughs out loud.  

His mirth is cut off abruptly when Will steps forward and comes uncomfortably close, wrapping his arm around your waist and resting his hand on your hip. You stiffen immediately from the unexpected and unwelcome contact.  

“You know what?” Will begins, clearly not ready to let your disagreement on tree size interfere with his attempt to pick you up, “Seeing is believing.  Come on, Baby, let me just show you my tree, it –“

“Okay pal, you just crossed the line.”  Bucky takes Will’s wrist into his left hand, swinging it forcibly up and over your shoulders so you’re free to step back.  “You see, I don’t really mind you attempting to flirt with my girl - she’s gorgeous, and I don’t blame you for trying, especially since I know it’s a lost cause. God knows I don’t understand it, but she chose me, so a little pipsqueak like you is no threat.”  

Bucky still hasn’t let go of the other man’s wrist, and Will whimpers as the gloved, unyeilding metal squeezes a little tighter. 

“What I DO mind is that you touched her without her permission. You see,” Bucky twists his arm and Will goes to his knees, “I have this crazy and, I don’t know, apparently progressive sense of human decency that tells me that women should be respected. At all times.  By all men.  Which means that you don’t touch a lady unless she says she’s okay with it.”  Bucky pushes back toward Will, and Will bends backward to try to relieve the pressure. “Understand?”

Will nods violently.  “Yes! Yes Mr… uh, Mr…Sir!!  Yes, sir!”

Bucky gives a chilling smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Good.  I’ll be watching you, Will.  I know where you live.   And if I EVER see or hear about you touching someone without their permission, I will end you.”

Bucky releases Will’s wrist, and just like that he drops the scary facade, smiling a genuine smile that has Will thoroughly confused.  “Now, my girl and I are looking for a tree that’s roughly 10 feet tall.  Do you have anything like that?”

“Um, uh, yeah. Yes!  We have taller trees on the other side of the farm.”  

Will looks ready to run away, but Bucky doesn’t let him.  “Lead the way, then.  Show us where you have taller trees.”

Will looks kind of like a goldfish the way his eyes grow huge and his mouth gapes.  “I could just tell you where…” he begins, but his voice trails off when Bucky begins to glare.  His shoulders drop in defeat, “Right this way, sir.”

Bucky takes your hand, and you both follow Will.  “Are you really going to torture him by making him help us after all that?” you ask quietly, not fully able to hide your grin at Bucky’s antics.

Bucky smirks before pressing a kiss to your temple.  “You’re damn right I am.”

God, how you love this man. You laugh softly as you squeeze his hand, finally ready to concede.  “Hey, if you really want to, we can get Harold.”

Bucky stops and stares at you.  “But he’s not what you want.”

“Well, he’s shorter than I’d like, but it’s going to be your tree too, Buck.”  You shrug before continuing, “If Harold will make you happy, then we’ll get Harold.  We can always get a tall tree next year.”

He smiles at you like you’re the only thing he sees, and you can’t help your own giddy smile in return. “Hey,” he murmurs, “how about a compromise?  We can get two trees and put Harold in the entryway.”

The smile on your face can’t possibly get any bigger, but it tries.  “That sounds perfect.”

Bucky throws his arm around your shoulders to pull you close as you walk to catch up with Will.  It’s not that long of a walk, and soon you’re among trees that tower over you.

“Hey, Will?”

Will immediately stops and turns at the sound of Bucky’s voice.  “Y-yes, sir?”

“Do you remember which tree we were looking at before you so rudely interrupted us?”

Will stares wide-eyed into the distance for a moment, clearly on the verge of complete panic as he tries to remember.  “Umm…I…Yes!” A look of relief floods his face as he begins to nod with more enthusiasm than strictly necessary.  “Yes, I know exactly which tree that was!”

“Good.  My girl and I are gonna look around these trees to see if we can find one that suits our needs, but we’d also like to take that tree.  Do you think you can cut it and have it waiting for us when we’re ready to leave?”

“Yes, sir!”  Will salutes Bucky, he actually _salutes_ him, before scurrying off to do as Bucky asked. 

The silence only lasts a moment.  It starts off with a snort from Bucky, then a snicker escapes from you.  You and Bucky look at each other and burst into laughter, startling a pair of chickadees that were resting in a nearby tree.

“Oh my god, did you see that?  Bucky, I think he peed a little,” you finally manage to gasp through a fit of giggles.

“He had it comin’” Bucky chuckles before exploding into another belly laugh.  It takes several minutes for the two of you to regain your composure, but eventually you manage, wiping tears from your eyes.  Time to get back to business.

“Hey Babe, what about this one?”  Bucky points to an absolutely lovely Fraser fir.  It’s the right height, has the perfect shape, and its branches are full and strong.

“Oh, hey, yeah…I like this one,” you breathe as you stare at the gorgeous tree.  “It’s beautiful, tall, and thick.”  You smirk before adding, “Just like you, Buck.”

Bucky turns to you with an unreadable expression on his face.  “…I…I don’t know whether to be flattered or concerned that you just compared me to a tree…”  

The sound of approaching footsteps captures your attention.

“Please excuse me, sir, I just wanted to let you know that your tree is ready.”  Will approaches hesitantly.

“Great, we’ll take this one, too,” Bucky points to the tree you both want, “and we’ll meet you up front.”

“Yes sir!”  Will immediately gets to work as you and Bucky walk back towards the gift shop and family activities.

Twenty minutes, a s’more, and a cup of hot cocoa later, Bucky pulls you close as a worker finishes strapping the trees to the top of your vehicle.  “Are you ready to go home and decorate?” 

“Been looking forward to it since we got here,” you answer honestly.

His voice is rough when he murmurs, “Me, too.” 

“So let’s go.”  


End file.
